Life Isn't Fair, But Mom Is.

Disclaimer:  To keep this light-hearted, I am going to stay away from the harsh realities of fairness in the world, that I know everyone has experienced. <3

Life isn't fair.  This is something we all know and have experienced.  I am going to do some "First World Whining" here....

It's not fair when someone cuts in front of you at Starbucks.
It's not fair that some women don't even have to try to lose their "baby weight".
It's not fair when you go to get the a slice of pizza and the person in front of you grabs the last one.
It's not fair that I have feel like my uterus is exploding every month.
It's not fair that when you order from McDonald's but didn't check your order right away and find out  it's wrong but you're too far away to drive back, so you have to eat it anyway.
It's not fair that I didn't get my mom's side of the family's breast size. 

 From the time we had our second child (Ethan), I had this mindset that everything between our kids  had to be fair and even.  If we got something for Bella, we had to get something for Ethan and vice-versa.   If I was walking through the store and saw something that Ethan would LOVE and I just had to get it for him, I started looking for something for Bella, too because I couldn't come home without something for her.  At Easter, no matter how many eggs you found, we emptied out the baskets and evened out the eggs.....the same for Halloween candy.  At Christmas time, they had the same amount of "santa" gifts, regular gifts and stocking stuffers.  Since their birthdays are only 2 days apart, I always made sure they had the same amount of birthday gifts.  They had the same bedtime, if one kid had a play date, I would make sure the other would, too and if I couldn't get one, either Mike or I would take them to do something special.  We would seriously go out of our way to make sure every thing was even and fair between them.  If grandparents sent gifts, we'd try to control that, too......I know.  I sound really crazy.

I don't know what it was.  I never felt cheated growing up.  In fact for me, it was probably the opposite because I'm the only girl.  If I really think about it, I'm wondering if it's because I was initially worried the other child wouldn't feel as loved and eventually I was worried the other child would feel bad and jealous and I just wanted to prevent a bad situation.  I was trying to "protect" them from a very important life lesson.  I was doing them and injustice.....I wasn't teaching them how to react and learn through the simple fact that life just isn't fair.  You're not always the winner.  You're not always going to be the fastest.  You're not always going to be the star.

I honestly didn't realize this until a few years ago when I was talking with a friend.   She was telling me how they do their Easter egg hunt....in one of the eggs, they put a $1 and who ever finds it, keeps it.  I immediately asked her, how do the kids deal with that?  Her answer was simple.  Life isn't fair, and they are learning that.  At first the kids had a hard time (her kids are the same age as mine) but they explained that's how it was, and didn't say much more.  Eventually, over the years, they've learned.  I even think she said the same son found it 2 years in a row, and the second year he graciously gave it to his brother. :)

The Flying Squirrels 1st win!

Our kids have slowly learned this lesson, especially because they are in sports.  Each year is different.  The last 2 years in basketball, Bella has been on the best teams (undefeated) and has been the star player....but this year, their team only won 2 games and though she was one of the best players on the team, she wasn't the top scorer as she was used to being.  It was definitely a learning season for her.  We watched the entire team of girls go through the season.  At first they were discouraged after the first few games....then when they realized they were playing their best and the teams were just bigger and better, they became happier and continued to try and improve and they never gave up.

 

 

Ethan's football pic

The same thing with Ethan....for the last 2 years, he has played flag football.  His first year, his team was undefeated and he was the top scorer with at least 2 touchdowns per game.  This year his team only lost 2 games and he again, scored every game.  I'm wondering how this fall will go.  It will be his first year to play tackle football and it will be a learning curve.  He will also be one of the smallest on his team.  Hopefully we can help him walk through it gracefully if it turns out to be harder than he anticipates.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If I am honest, I haven't made a big change in the fairness arena.  I'm still a bit intimidated by my kids' reactions.  I have though taken any opportunity that arises to talk with them and walk them through situations where life is "giving them lemons".  I've also implemented a chore chart (2 years ago), where they move a spot when a chore is done and when they get to the top (there's 26 spots), they get $5.00.  This has been a good learning tool in fairness.  They see they have to work for it and that we're not showing favoritism.  They understand it.  I suppose lessons will arise time after time and I can just make sure to help them go through it......that way, they can keep the same bedtimes. :) Life's not fair, but mom is. :) 

*I have stopped trying to control the gift giving from relatives, though!

our chore "game"

And We're Stepping Into a New Phase.....

Bella turned 11 this year!

May is always a big month for us, mostly because both Ethan and Bella's birthdays fall here.  It becomes birthday madness as I have confessed before I go overboard with birthday and holidays.  This year proved to be no different.  I had no choice but to throw back to back parties due to scheduling issues.  Bella had 10 friends sleep over (ten 10 year old girls....screaming....and chasing each other.....and screaming...until 2 am.) Friday night and Saturday, Ethan had 8 friends for an outdoor Boy vs. Wild party.  It took me 3 days to recover from feeling completely exhausted.

Ethan turned 9!

This year, it was bigger....we had more going on that just birthdays.  We had more than one transition to walk through.  Not just Mother's Day, either.....which, thankfully was low key.  This year, the month of May was all about change, moving on, transition, new phases in life, new chapters, getting older (insert sad face and sigh).

All through out my life, I have embraced the new phases that have come.  When I think about it though, it's really because they've been fun and exciting!  Graduating from high school and going to college....turning 21......finishing college.....getting married.....having our first baby....having our second baby.....buying our first house.....having our third baby....turning 30.......and then the "fun" pretty much ended there.  OK......don't get me wrong.  Hear me out before you start getting all upset and judging me.  I would be really surprised it some of you moms didn't feel the same way.  Maybe your transition didn't happen at the same age, but at the same STAGE as me.  Do you see what stage I'm talking about?  Where all the major "FIRSTS" are done and the "YOUNG" part of life has gone.  Yes, the 30's are still young....so are the 40's and I'm sure when I'm in my 50's they will still be young, too. :)

Annie "accepting her diploma"!

Back to my point, this May marked my official transition into the next phase of my life.  I am no longer in the "baby making phase" and I have also moved on from having any children at home with me during the day. :(  Yup, this May, our youngest, Annie "graduated" from preschool and (sorry to rat you out babe) my husband graciously had a vasectomy.  Sigh.  And we're stepping into a new phase......this one, I'm not sure about.  If you want me to be honest, it just makes me feel old and a bit scared. What is this new phase of being a mom like?  My baby is headed off to Kindergarten in the fall which means I'm going to be a mom of all school aged kids.  Everyone will be gone from 8:30-3:30.  I will have all this "free time".   If you had asked me a month ago if I was looking forward to all the kids being in school during the day, my answer was a resounding, "YES!!!".  The fantasy of all this time to myself, to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted was amazing.  Ask any mother who has children at home....the thought of that is a dream.   Now when you ask me, I'm a little unsure....unsure of what it's like to be by myself.  I have to remember out who I AM again.  Who I am without kids hanging off my hip 24/7.  Maybe that's what's so scary.   I won't be one of those young moms all cute and pregnant again, which I loved.  When you see me at the grocery store, I won't have an adorable baby in the cart or strapped to me.  I won't breastfeed again.  I can't be part of the preschool co-op. This is a life I've known for 11 years.  Always having young children right next to or on me, getting minimal sleep, hearing little voices and the pitter-patter of little feet running in the house during the day.  I'm sad to leave it behind.  I'm a bit scared to get older.

Bella's 1st day of Kindergarten

Ethan's Kindergarten Party

 I know, I know.....I'm starting to sound like "Negative Nancy" and not seeing the positives of the situation.  I hope you all understand what I'm saying....I'm going to miss this part of my life and I do look forward to the future and watching my children grow.  Plus, I have plans.  Plans to be at the gym 2 hours a day like I did before kids. :)  Plans on actually making a phone call to a friend without having to ask her to hold on while I scold my kids in the background.  Plans on doing my hair and make-up every day.....shoot....plans to shower every day.  Plans on picking up a hobby.  Plans to just carry a wallet or clutch to the store instead of a huge purse filled with snacks and miscellaneous games to keep my kids busy while I shop. Plans to even have an afternoon lunch date with my husband.  I'm sure I'll survive the transition, as have the many moms before me.  :)

This is dedicated to all my friends who little ones are moving on and you are having to move on, too.  We can do this and maybe we can even start having our own "play dates" over lunch and margaritas.

Icing on the Cake.

We had a little blow up in our house the other day.  I had bought the kids new buckets to take to the beach.  Annie was with me when I got them, so she chose the colors for all of them: Green for her, Yellow for Bella and Orange for Ethan.  That did not go over well with her siblings.  Bella freaked out because her favorite color is green and Annie claimed her new favorite color is green and Bella said she was just copying her and Annie argued back.  Then Ethan chimed in and said Annie was being selfish and Annie started crying and Bella was crying because I wouldn't just give her the green bucket and Ethan got upset because I asked him to step out of the situation.  At this point the 2 girls would not be quiet so I could get a word in....and my fuse was burning FAST.  To be honest, I was most upset at Bella because she is almost 11 and it was over a STUPID BUCKET!!!  What was the big deal?  It wasn't like I bought Annie a new green car and made Bella drive a pink one.  And even if I had, I was upset that the entitlement over the green bucket arose over the greatfullness of getting a new bucket in the first place.  So, I told her she had a choice of having the yellow bucket or no bucket.  She chose NO bucket!  OMG.  I was pissed.  I immediately had her deliver the new, yellow bucket to our 4 year old neighbor as a gift.  (Another instance came up that day involving the older 2 fighting over a basketball and this time it was with Mike.)

Mike and I had a long conversation later that evening about how astonished we were that our children were acting so ungrateful and entitled and selfish.....where did we go wrong?  What had we missed?  Then we realized what we needed to do.  We needed to (not only punish them for their actions also have consequences) talk to them about what is really important in life.  Cliche, I know, but it's true.  Had Bella known what really matters in life, would she have freaked over the bucket?  Had Bella and Ethan really known what was important would they have fought, and if they still fought, would they have chosen to forgive each other easier and quicker?  If Mike and I had known what really mattered in life a year ago, would we have felt the need to "keep up with the Joneses"?

my Pop and my kids: Father's Day 2012

My Pop (step-dad of 24 years) passed away last August.....he lost a 3 year battle with cancer.  During that time, I remember my mom saying several times, "does it matter who does ______?  Pop is dying!"  She was right.  We wasted moments arguing or being mad at each other when we could have been spending time supporting each other and spending more time with Pop. (This wasn't something that happened often, but you get the point) Our family lost so much when we lost Pop.....so much, I can't even begin to list it all.  Life can change in an instant....don't waste time on insignificant things.

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  Mike and the kids made me a really SWEET banner covered in their feet and hand prints that said: "These feet will always run to you and these hand will always hug you."  We spent the day at the beach, came home and had a nice dinner together. 

We always talk at dinner time.....things like: What was your favorite part of today? What's your favorite animal? And we go around the table and share.  Last night Mike and I talked with them about what's really important.  I asked them, would you rather have a big house with a pool, instead of mommy?  Would you rather have a billion dollars than daddy?  Would you rather have more toys than have your brother or sister?  When we put it that way, they got it.

We then had them share something they are thankful for that money couldn't buy. 
Ethan said: dinner time with my family. 
Bella said: cuddling with mommy and daddy before bed. 
Annie said:  building forts with Bella and Ethan and Daddy and Mommy. 

Anything more than your family is just icing on the cake.  If you can be content with that, you can be content anywhere.

Mommy's Favorite Food is Macaroni

It's almost Mother's Day.....which means, if you have school aged children, you'll most likely receive handmade gifts and cards! I love these gifts.  They're honestly my favorite.  I use the clay bowl like things they form and paint to put my jewelry in and frame the pictures they paint even thought I'm not exactly sure what it is they have painted.  One of my favorite things to get are the cards.  I like when teachers ask them questions about me and write down their answers.  I was talking to a friend the other day and we came up with 2 types of answers the children give: #1 they give answers that are actually about them....example: 'Mommy's favorite game to play: "baby dolls!"' and #2 they give away your deepest, darkest secrets.

Yes.  Your children tell their teachers EVERYTHING. Besides you, your children are with their teachers the most and they trust them.  By trade, I am a teacher.  I stopped working outside the home when I had my 3rd child.  My last experience teaching was with 4 and 5 year old children.  You wouldn't believe what I know about their parents.  I know that one girl's mommy "doesn't like it when daddy goes golfing because he always drinks beer"  and a little boy's grandpa was so "stopped up, he needed special medicine."  And one more doozy for you: one little girl's mommy "had a boob job".  What ever you say, they tell us.  Even if you think they aren't listening.  Even my kids have done it.  Earlier this year at school, Annie was playing in the kitchen area and there were bottle shaped drinking containers......if I remember correctly, she said something like, "oh, would you like some beer?" Her teachers got a laugh out of that one.

My most recent Mother's Day card revealed that my favorite food is macaroni.  You may be thinking, oh, she answered that question with her own answer.  Well, actually, no.  Though macaroni may not be my FAVORITE food, I do eat it quite often and I do love it and she does notice.  This isn't homemade macaroni.  It isn't even organic macaroni.  It's good ol' Kraft macaroni, straight from the box. Healthy as ever.  All the while I'm "watching what I eat" haha.  The card also revealed that my favorite t.v. shows are: "grown-up movies".  That's what I tell her when she asks if she can watch a show (Grey's Anatomy) with me...."no honey, you can't watch this, it's a grown up movie."  Thank GOD she didn't mix up the words 'grown up' with 'adult'.....I probably would have gotten called into the school.  All her answers were very cute and true.....and her last answer was the best:  What does mommy do after she drops you off at school? "She goes home and does laundry and cleans the kitchen".  Hahaha!  Score 1 point for looking like I have it all together!!!

Though it may be too late this year, remember for next year to start "behaving" a few weeks before Mother's Day so your cards will reveal some not so embarrassing answers.  Oh, and if you don't want your child's teacher to know something, don't tell your child. :)

So, Happy Mother's Day to all you mom's out there....you deserve it.

P.S. Thank your child's teacher today because despite what they know about you, they still love your child. :)

For Laughs, Here are some Mother's Day cards I found on Pintrest......

For Life.

I didn't grow up an only child.  I am the only girl and I am the oldest.....by 5 and 7 years.  I remember fighting with my younger brothers; nothing physical, just a lot of screaming and yelling and sometimes name calling.  I remember fighting mostly because I thought they were terribly annoying.  My brothers would purposely say and do things to get me all riled up.  For example, my youngest brother, Andrew would say things (on purpose) that made no sense. The conversation would go something like this:

my brothers and me, 199?

Me: Shotgun!
Andrew: You can't sit in the front.
Me: Why?
Andrew: because this is a van and the seats are blue.
Me: That makes no sense.
Andrew: Yes it does.
Me: No, it doesn't.
Andrew: Yes.  This is a van and the seats are blue, so you can't sit in the front.
Me: Andrew!  That doesn't make any sense!
Andrew: Yes it does.

my brothers and me (with grandpa) 2012

We'd continue fighting back and forth.  I'd get so angry and annoyed that I'd be yelling, while sitting in the front seat, and he would be in the back just laughing and arguing back.  He seriously would do this all the time, about random things, and it would drive me and my other brother, Eric, bonkers.    No matter how annoying I thought they were or how much we argued and fought, if anyone else picked on them, I'd come to the rescue.  I remember several times boys my age would pick on Eric and I'd ream them.  No one was allowed to dish out crap to them except me.

Fast forward 20 years....I now have 3 kids and they pick on each other a million times a day it seems.  Arguments are happening on a moment by moment basis.  They annoy each other, can't stand each other, don't want to sit by each other at the dinner table, call each other "meanies".  Last fall, we had a situation arise that taught us all a good lesson.

My husband and I went out to dinner with our good friends and we decided to hire a babysitter together since our 3 kids and their 4 kids, all got along (and hey, it would save us some money, too!).   For the sake of anonymity, I will call their children by the names of "Joe" and "George". :)  I don't remember the exact issue that arose, but the gist of it was this:  My son Ethan and Joe were playing, teasing the babysitter.  I think they hid something from her?  George is a sweet boy and wanted to tell the sitter where they hid her thing.  He (George) went to tell her and Ethan and Joe, chased him down asking him not to tell.  Once they caught up to him, they tried to hold him back and he tripped (or they could have tackled him...Lord knows they're a bunch of boys)....when he was down, one of the boys sat on him to keep him down and the other pulled his pants down (only pants, not underwear).  George is a 10 year old boy and our sitter was a teenage girl, so he obviously got embarrassed and his feelings were hurt because he had been ganged up on.
When I found out about it later that night, I was incredibly upset at Ethan and had him apologize the next day and ask for George's forgiveness.  When I was talking to my friend about it the next day, each of us giving our children's explanations of the situation, she told me how they handled it.  Her husband had explained the importance of sticking together as brothers.  He told Joe that Ethan may be his best friend now, but that George was going to be his brother for life.  If George was ever to be put in a situation like that, Joe better be the one to stick up for him and stand by him no matter what.

I hadn't ever used those exact words with my kids, nor had I specifically thought of teaching them that, though I somehow expected them to innately know this.  Lesson learned for us....BIG TIME.  Crap....epic fail as a parent.  So, now, that's a common phrase in our house. I'm pretty sure they understood that before hand, but now I just want to be extra sure.

Ethan, Annie & Bella- 2011

*And for those of you wondering, yes, we did have a talk with Ethan in regards to respecting others and boundaries between playing and causing harm to others. :) He's a good boy.  Oh, and we're still friends with "Joe" and "George".

Boy, Oh Boy!

When I had my son, Ethan, my world was turned upside down.  He is my second born, so I walked into parenting him like a pro, thinking, I already have a 2 year old (a girl), I can certainly do this again and it will be easier.  Man, was I wrong!!

I think one of my favorite things about being a mother is that I get to experience raising both genders.  It's like a challenge for me to use different parts of my brain like a test.  It's been a bit rough.  I didn't know how to raise a son (and I'm still learning).  Boys have much different needs and desires and instincts....duh!  I didn't need anyone to tell me that, or so I thought.  When my oldest daughter was 17 months, I could entertain her by placing washable paint on the kitchen floor with a paint brush and paper and she'd paint to her little hearts content and actually stay on the paper.  I learned pretty fast that I couldn't do the same thing with Ethan.  He tried to eat the paint and he preferred to use his hands instead of brushes and paint the cabinets instead of paper.  And that would last all of 30 seconds before he was toddling off to the living room covered in paint.  *Ding!* (that's the light bulb going off in my head)  I had to parent him differently.

-He started climbing things at 6 months old.  No kidding...he'd climb chairs, stairs, tables, cabinets.   When he was 10 months old, I found him standing in the middle of the coffee table and then watched

 jumping off a log at the beach!

(in horror) as he attempted to jump off.  He was all over the place. Hind sight 20/20 I wish I could have just put him in a padded room and let him go at it.
-He is loud.  He gets excited easily and yells.  Even his normal voice is consistently 3 volume notches above the average person. His 2nd grade teacher told us in a conference, that no matter where Ethan was, he could hear Ethan's voice.  That's true.
-He is in love with reptiles.  Since the time he was 3 years old, I've had some sort of reptile living in my house.  In Tulsa, he would catch toads in our back yard and beg me to keep them as pets.  The best investment you can make as a mother of a boy?  A reptile habitat....nothing fancy, just a small glass aquarium.  We've had the same one for 6 years, and it has housed over 7 toads (not at once), 3 lizards and even a baby garter snake.  Though when he had the snake, the habitat stayed outside....I have boundaries for these kind of things!

his current reptile, "Recto-Slicer".

-He likes to collect "treasure".  I think it was Mark Twain that said something like, "There is a time in every boys life where he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure."  That's about right except Ethan doesn't have to dig to find it.  He sees treasure EVERY WHERE.  Consistently I find paperclips, rocks, bottle caps, random pieces of plastic, coins, springs, bolts, etc. in the pockets of his jeans.  I've begun saving them in a jar btw...I figure it will make a cool keepsake for him to show his kids one day. :)
-If I ask him to go get something downstairs, he will find the hardest way possible to make it to his destination and back.  Example: flip onto the couch, jump to the coffee table, jump over the carpet to the tile, crawl down the stairs head first, flip over the downstairs couch, jump off into a pile of blankets, while grabbing the spoon he left on the floor.  Then he will sprint back upstairs as fast as he can, throw it in the sink and say, "How fast was I?"  Oh, I forgot to mention he asked me to time him, too. :)

Ethan is just like Billy, from The Family Circus.

-He NEEDS to wrestle.  At random times through out the day, I am asked, "mommy, will you wrestle with me?"  If Mike isn't home and I can't at the moment, he wrestles either the dog or his sister (which inevitably ends up with her crying).  And when I say wrestle, I mean wrestle.  It's a good workout, but I always lose. ;)

Being a boy is hard work because I'm not fully convinced that they know what they need....even as they grow up and become men.  Do they know they need to conquer things?  To explore the unknown? Build things?  Destroy things?  I'm honestly not saying I think they should possibly do these things, I honestly think they NEED to do these things.  It's in their nature.  That's how they thrive. Beware parents, especially, mothers, if you don't provide a way for your son to do these things, he will find a way himself and I guarantee you it won't be not be safe or smart!!  Boys will thrive when given the freedom to do these things, and as their parent, you can provide a safe environment for them to do so. Give your son a shovel and let him dig a random hole in the yard!  Let him make mud castles and then stomp them down.  Go on a hike and let him lead the way (within reason!).  When your vacuum dies, give him a screw driver, hammer and eye protection and let him take it apart!

I love my boy!!

Thankfully, after being a mother to a little boy for 9 years, I feel like I'm finally getting the hang of it and understanding how his mind and body work. The key?  Keep him moving and keep him fed and give him lots of hugs.  That's it, well, at least I hope that continues into the future, and I think it may because it works for my husband, too! :)  Tire him out until he crashes and feed the little bugger every 1.5 hours....hahaha.

Old Lady Panties.

Funny story.  A few weeks ago, I was in the process of folding laundry and everyone in the family was around. The kids were all in a goofy mood.  My youngest, picked up a pair of my underwear (CLEAN) and threw them at her older brother. The conversation went like this:

Ethan: "ewww!!! Old lady panties!!!" (I will have you all know, they were red, lace thongs)
Me: "NO THEY'RE NOT!"  (I was really offended and defensive....haha....seriously, I was.)
Bella: "mom, you're old, so those are old lady panties."
Me: "I AM NOT OLD!"
Ethan and Bella: "yes you are."
Me: "NO I'm not!"
Bella: "mom, you are over 30, so that means you are 'middle aged'."
Ethan: "ya mom, you're middle aged."
Me: "who told you that??"
Bella: "I heard it on Wizards of Waverly Place...."
Me:  "That's not true.  I'm still young.  I'm only 33."
Ethan: "But you'll be 34 in a month and that's old."
Me: "I'm not old and I'm not middle aged."
Bella and Ethan: "yes you are.  You're middle aged."
Me: "I am not and if you say that again, you will be grounded for the rest of your life."
Bella and Ethan both laugh.
Me: "I'm serious.  And these are NOT old lady panties."

WHAT THE....????  When on earth did I become old and middle aged???  I'm a cool mom!  I dance with my kids...well, more like dance to them as they run away screaming, "Stop!"  I also have my nose pierced.....actually, I took that out several months ago.  I dress cool.....wait, I do have a cardigan in just about every color.  Holy crap....I'm getting older.  I'm a mom and to my kids, I'm old.  Wow....I didn't see that coming.  Ok.  To them I'm old but I still feel like I just graduated from college.  I can't believe it's been 14 years since then: 13 years of marriage, 3 kids, 5 moves...they're right.  Life moves on and one day, you'll blink and a decade has passed by.  Thankfully, those seconds, days, years, and decades are filled with smiles, happiness, love and family.  I love every stage that has gone by and I'm ready for the next....I am turning 34 in 10 days and I don't for one second wish I was younger.  I've embraced the years gone by, now I just need to embrace the wrinkles that are coming along with it....pssh, who am I kidding?  I'm ready for my first shot of botox. ;P

Btw, my kids are no longer allowed to watch Wizards of Waverly Place and I googled pictures of old lady panties and showed them to prove my point.

old lady panties

not old lady panties